Famous Funny Quotes Biography
A man commented to his lunch companion: My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire. You're lucky, sighed the companion. My wife dreams that in the daytime.
People always ask me 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, I was an accountant.
The golden rule of work is that the bosses jokes are ALWAYS funny.
Robert Redford used to be such a handsome man and now look at him: everything has dropped, expanded and turned a funny colour.
Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.
They say he's [Yogi Berra] funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What's funny about that?"
Fake news executives are nicer than real news executives, though real news executives are funnier than fake news executives. They dont know theyre being funny.
I am sitting here looking at the most amazing person I have ever seen, smart, funny, caring, and absolutely stunning! Yes, I am looking in the mirror!
Weird people are funny. If you're just completely normal, you're boring. So I so much prefer weird people to boring people.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.
A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed
A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one who hopes they are.
Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.
One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.
Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.a
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.