Funny Quotes

Thursday, 28 March 2013

Daily Funny Quotes About Life Love Birthday Sayings Pictures

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Daily Funny Quotes Biography

If you watch a clown show, you realize that the clown enacts scenes from daily life and puts them in a funny perspective. Humor is a balm that soothes the pain of a tragedy and makes it look like a comedy. If you want to adopt a sense of humor, begin by laughing at yourself. Here are some funny quotes to live by.
Joey Adams
In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.
My advice to those who are about to begin, in earnest, the journey of life, is to take their heart in one hand and a club in the other.
Samuel Butler
Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.
Elbert Hubbard
Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.
George Carlin
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
Robert Brault
All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought.
Djuna Barnes
Life is painful, nasty and short... in my case it has only been painful and nasty.
Robert Bloch
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Margaret Thatcher
If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman.
Bill Cosby
I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people." -Victor Borge
"Laughter is an instant vacation." -Milton Berle
“The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.” -Albert Einstein
“A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often” -Oliver Herford
Life is like a ten-speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.- Charles Schulz
You are getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them. –Unknown
“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.” -Albert Einstein
Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.- Unknown
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” -Zig Ziglar
“I’m 59 and people call me middle aged. How many 118 year old men do you know?” -Barry Cryer
“Man has will… but woman has her way.” –Unknown
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh - at yourself.”- Ethel Barrymore
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.- Unknown
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” - Dale Carnegie

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Funny Quotes Of The Day About Life Love Birthday Sayings Pictures

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Funny Quotes Of The Day Biography

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. - Mark Twain
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
The road to success is always under construction.
If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Death is hereditary.
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
I stopped fighting my inner demons, were on the same side now.
Well-behaved women rarely make history
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong
He who laughs last, didn't get it.
We live in an age where pizza gets to your home before police.
"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."
"Cheese… milk's leap toward immortality."
"You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough."
"He's so optimistic he'd buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants."
"Half of the people in the world are below average."
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!"
"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent."
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
"Constipated People Don't Give A crap."
"Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?"
"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."
"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."
"A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice."
"Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own."
"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."
"Ham and eggs - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."

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Random Funny Quotes About Life Love Birthday Sayings Pictures

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Random Funny Quotes Biography

Random Funny Quotes: Witty Thoughts to Make Your Day.
Pick up some random funny quotes on this page, and you will find valuable pieces of wisdom with a dash of humor. Wisdom is not limited to those with an illustrious background. Life gifts wisdom to each of us with a new experience. Then, why waste such beautiful learning? Let's share our wisdom through quotes. And to make it memorable, pepper it up with some humor.
Ronald Knox
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials.
Barbara Stanwyck
Egotism - usually just a case of mistaken non-entity.
Friedrich Nietzsche
Fear is the mother of morality.
Charles F. Kettering
People are very open-minded about new things -- as long as they're exactly like the old ones.
Lyndon B. Johnson
Did you ever think that making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.
Cyndi Lauper
People used to complain to me all the time, 'I can't even hear you sing because your clothes are so loud.'
"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives."
"I changed all my passwords to 'incorrect'. So my computer just tells me when I forgot.
"No I didn't trip, the floor looked like it needed a hug."
"Whatever you do in life give 100%.....unless you're giving blood."
"Anytime a bird poops on one of my windows, I eat a whole plate of scrambled egg on my patio. Just to show them what I'm capable of. Take that birds"
"One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling Help! Shark! Help!. I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help them.
"Procrastinator? No, I just wait until the last second to do my work because I will be older, therefore wiser."
"On a scale of Voldemort to Pinocchio, how Nosy are you?"
"I do 5 sit-ups every morning. May not sound like much, but there is only so many times you can hit the snooze button...'
"I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think,'I'd so tap that.'
"I feel like getting something done today, so I'm just going to sit here until the feeling passes."
"I was complimented on my driving. Someone left a note on my windshield that said, 'Parking Fine.'
"I just dropped my laptop off the boat.....It's a Dell, rolling in the deep."
"Why do banks lock their pens to the desk? If I'm trusting you with my money, don't you think you can trust me with a pen?"
"I really like ceilings......I guess you could call me a ceiling fan."
Grammar is somewhat important. Commas do save lives for instance:" Let's eat grandpa." "Lets eat, grandpa."
"I was planning to do something today, but I haven't finished doing nothing from yesterday."
I love how, in horror movies, the person yells out,"Hello?" As if the bad is going to yell back, "Yeah, I'm in the kitchen! Do you want a sandwich?" Or,"Hey, yeah I'm back here with a chainsaw. Come on down."
"You remind me of my Chinese friend...Ug Lee."
"Light travels faster then sound. This is why some people appear bright ,until you hear them talk."
"The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.""I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak."
"Better late then never, but never late is better."
"I wish real life was like cartoons. I could wear the same outfit and nobody would care."
"I haven't seen any statuses about Ninjas lately....well played Ninjas."

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Funny Quotes And Sayings About Life Love Birthday Sayings Pictures

Source(Google.com.pk)
Funny Quotes And Sayings Biography
Mark Twain was quoted in his biography “Humor is mankind's greatest blessing”. It is said that humor is the fragrance of life. It stirs your spirit and makes you aware of the fact that you are alive. Joy is the natural expression and reaction of a sensible and intelligent person, to the finer things in life. Having the ability to laugh is the best reward that a human being has. Sadly, not many people are seen making use of the same. No luxury in this world can be compared to the feelings of euphoria, which comes after laughing. Laughter is the best medicine and it is also the best thing that you can do with your lips. What better way to cheer yourself up than having funny quotes and sayings as company. Read this article to know some of them right here.
To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful- Bess Myerson
Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law - Hubert Humphrey
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder- Anon
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less - Nicholas Murray Butler
I’m going to live forever, or die trying - Joseph Heller
If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars - J.P. Getty
A friend is someone who’s there when he needs you - Anon
Girls are like pianos. When they’re not upright, they’re grand - Benny Hill
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain - Mark Twain
A man's true character comes out when he's drunk- Charlie Chaplin.
Don’t drink and drive; you might spill your beer.
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
Everyone has a photographic memory, but some just don't have a film.
You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of darkness?
People join the army for visiting exotic places, meet strange people, then finish them.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side, and the right side.
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else.
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Funny Quotes And Sayings