Funny Quotes

Tuesday, 2 April 2013

Great Funny Quotes About Life Love Birthday Sayings Pictures

Source(Google.com.pk)
Great Funny Quotes Biography
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake ― Bob Hope
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience ― Mark Twain
My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not you'll become a philosopher ― Socrates, Greek philosopher
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. ― Rodney Dangerfield
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man ― Lana Turner
The only time a woman can really succeed in changing a man is when he is a baby ― Natalie Wood
There are 3 kinds of people in the world…those who can count and those who can’t. ― FunnySaying
Now I started remembering why I dont remember anything! ― Homer Simpson
Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair ― Sam Ewing
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. ― Oscar Wilde
A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it ― Helen Rowland
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion. ― Fred Allen
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile ― Billy Sunday
The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything ― Oscar Wilde
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. ― Funny Saying
If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side ― FunnySaying
Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, age don't matter ― Funny Saying
Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted ― FunnySaying
My wife and I were happy for 20 years - then we met. ― Rodney Dangerfield
Kids are like farts. You don’t mind your own, but other peoples are unbearable. ― FunnySaying
Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate. ― Mark Twain
The only thing worse than hearing the alarm clock in the morning is not hearing it. ― FunnySaying
My mind wanders a lot, but fortunately it's too weak to go very far. ― Bob Thaves
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and have you actually looking forward to the trip. ― FunnySaying
Inside every older person is a younger person … wondering what the hell happened ― Cora Harvey Armstrong
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. (Then when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes) ―
“My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens” ― Rodney Dangerfield
“Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning” ― George W. Bush
“Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald” ― Navjot Singh Sidhu
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own” ― Les Dawson

“It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man” ― H. L. Mencken

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is” ― Ellen DeGeneres

“When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me” ― Rodney Dangerfield

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Great Funny Quotes

Monday, 1 April 2013

Short Funny Quotes About Life Love Birthday Sayings Pictures

Source(Google.com.pk)
Short Funny Quotes Biography
Most of The following funny quotes and short inspirational sayings are written by me and only a few of them are the famous quotes by some great but unknown people. Feel free to put these quotations on your T-shirts, posters, Facebook statuses or tweet them on your Twitter, but do not forget to credit this page.
Shut up in work and report the boss.
A teenage guy’s life is all about operating beautiful girl’s impressions.
Nowadays students prefer Facebook Timeline on their study timetable.
I read an article last night and stats say, after a breakup the guy is most likely sleeping with a girl by the next week. Then I see all these girls on Facebook with their pictures and post and I laugh because you are all the rebound victims.
A divergence between a boss and a girlfriend is only your viewpoint.
When you break-up with someone, who says, "No I don't accept that" They feel all tough, until they're on your front porch, crying, in the rain, and you shut the porch light off on them, and lock the door.
There is always a stupid who has to mess up the plan.
Depression is not a joke and many people die from just that.
Love is like a basketball game, you need to call for time-out when you know it's time to rest.
All you need in a relationship is cheating and courage, and then divorce is sure.
The best way to make your wife happy is to surrender your dreams.
Time can heal all wounds including fail Photoshop accidents.
If you need to take a break from the anxiety of your married life, a legal divorce is often what you need.
Acne is my friend since puberty.
I don't like rich people... or rich... or people.
Demotivational posters always motivate my subconscious.
You cannot hate Monday if you want to beat Bill Gates.
I have tried to keep my mouth shut about so many different things. But maybe I’ve come to the point that I don’t care. For those of you, who still can’t get over the fact that a boss is always right, shut up already. It’s over and done.
I love how some people think jail is a joke and they can't get caught.
Men's creative minds always come in action after their breakups.
Life, I want to tell you, you were better before computers, Facebook and cell phones.
I eat a cupcake every day, because it's someone's birthday somewhere.
I hate girls, I could never have a girlfriend, and I haven’t broken up with all the beautiful girls yet.
American politics can be so amazing when you begin to look at it with the mind of an African man.
I am a fool and I am happy because intelligence giving nothing but worries.

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Funny Quotes About Family About Life Love Birthday Sayings Pictures

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Funny Quotes About Family Biography

* There is nothing wrong with today's teenager that twenty years won't cure. - Anonymous
* It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. - George Burns
* Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn't have anything to do with it. - Haim Ginott
* The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children. - Clarence Darrow
* When women feel they have learned to forgive their mothers - and men, their fathers - all it usually means is that they've decided to allow themselves the same kind of behavior. - Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
* First we are children to our parents, then parents to our children, then parents to our parents, then children to our children. - Milton Greenblatt
* That which seems the height of absurdity in one generation often becomes the height of wisdom in another. - Adlai Stevenson
* The older generation thought nothing of getting up at five every morning - and the younger generation doesn't think much of it either. - John J. Welsh
* They say genes skip generations. Maybe that's why grandparents find their grandchildren so likeable. - Joan McIntosh
* Generation Gap: A chasm, amorphously situated in time and space, that separates those who have grown up absurd from those who will, with luck, grow up absurd. - Bernard Rosenberg, Dictionary for the Disenchanged, 1972
* There was no respect for youth when I was young, and now that I am old, there is no respect for age - I missed it coming and going. - J.B. Priestly
* I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. - Fred Allen
* Friends are God's apology for relations. - Hugh Kingsmill
* Family is just accident.... They don't mean to get on your nerves. They don't even mean to be your family, they just are. - Marsha Norman
* Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie - not perfect but who's complaining? - Robert Brault
* When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them. - George Bernard Shaw
* The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together. - Erma Bombeck
* A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold. - Ogden Nash
* Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space. - Evan Esar
* If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion. - Ashleigh Brilliant
* Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts. - Anonymous

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Funny Movie Quotes About Life Love Birthday Sayings Pictures

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Funny Movie Quotes Biography
We all know that there a lot of funny movie quotes out there but with so many things going on in our lives nowadays it's hard to remember them and we forget what's funny let alone the quotes from the movie.
To help you along on this little expedition of merriment and amusement I have put together for you a random collection of the the funniest movie quotes I could find and if you don't have the time to watch the entire film, well, these quotes are the next best thing. If nothing else, they are a little taster of what kind of comedy you'll find within that movie.
Hopefully somewhere in these quotes will be something to put a smile on your face, but remember don't take these jokes too seriously!
Domingo: Are you guys even real cops? You look like the kids on Halloween.
Tom Hanson: If them boys is cops, I'm DEA.
[Schmidt does a fake laugh]
Schmidt: I know! Right? I know! It's hilarious.
[Schmidt stops laughing]
Schmidt: So why don't you show us a little respect?
Domingo: Fuck you, pig!
Jenko: Hey! You want me to beat your dick off?
Domingo: You want to beat my dick off?
Jenko: I'll beat your dick off with both hands. What's up? Let's go.
One-Percenter #1: That's weird, man!
Schmidt: I think what he was trying to say was, he's gonna punch you so many times round the genital area that...that your dick's just gonna fall off.
[at the check out counter a register woman swipes their items]
Register Woman: Guns. Mask. You sure you all don't wanna grab some condoms?
Nick: No. Why?
Register Woman: Because this is usually what men buy before they rape someone.
Chet: Oh, we're not rapists! Us two, small fries? No way.
[she gives them a cold unbelieving look]
Register Woman: Is it gonna be cash or credit for your rape kit?
[Chet put a box of hamburger slider kit on the counter]
Chet: Hey, is a slider station in a rape kit? Cause we're gettin' one of those too.
Nick: We'll pay cash.
Chet: Not into rape, just into sliders.

Mooj: Hey Andy, don't let him bother you. It's okay not to have sex. Not everybody's a pussy magnet. You, uh, what are you, 25?

Andy Stitzer: I'm 40.

Mooj: Holy shit, man, you got to get on that!

Kyle: You're gonna be fine.

Adam: Yeah.

Kyle: You're gonna be fine. Fifty fifty! If you were a casino game, you'd have the best odds.

Adam: Yeah. Thanks.

Dr. Evil: My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard really. At the age of twelve, I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it.

Funny Movie Quotes