Random Funny Quotes Biography
Random Funny Quotes: Witty Thoughts to Make Your Day.
Pick up some random funny quotes on this page, and you will find valuable pieces of wisdom with a dash of humor. Wisdom is not limited to those with an illustrious background. Life gifts wisdom to each of us with a new experience. Then, why waste such beautiful learning? Let's share our wisdom through quotes. And to make it memorable, pepper it up with some humor.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials.
Egotism - usually just a case of mistaken non-entity.
Fear is the mother of morality.
Charles F. Kettering
People are very open-minded about new things -- as long as they're exactly like the old ones.
Lyndon B. Johnson
Did you ever think that making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.
People used to complain to me all the time, 'I can't even hear you sing because your clothes are so loud.'
"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives."
"I changed all my passwords to 'incorrect'. So my computer just tells me when I forgot.
"No I didn't trip, the floor looked like it needed a hug."
"Whatever you do in life give 100%.....unless you're giving blood."
"Anytime a bird poops on one of my windows, I eat a whole plate of scrambled egg on my patio. Just to show them what I'm capable of. Take that birds"
"One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling Help! Shark! Help!. I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help them.
"Procrastinator? No, I just wait until the last second to do my work because I will be older, therefore wiser."
"On a scale of Voldemort to Pinocchio, how Nosy are you?"
"I do 5 sit-ups every morning. May not sound like much, but there is only so many times you can hit the snooze button...'
"I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think,'I'd so tap that.'
"I feel like getting something done today, so I'm just going to sit here until the feeling passes."
"I was complimented on my driving. Someone left a note on my windshield that said, 'Parking Fine.'
"I just dropped my laptop off the boat.....It's a Dell, rolling in the deep."
"Why do banks lock their pens to the desk? If I'm trusting you with my money, don't you think you can trust me with a pen?"
"I really like ceilings......I guess you could call me a ceiling fan."
Grammar is somewhat important. Commas do save lives for instance:" Let's eat grandpa." "Lets eat, grandpa."
"I was planning to do something today, but I haven't finished doing nothing from yesterday."
I love how, in horror movies, the person yells out,"Hello?" As if the bad is going to yell back, "Yeah, I'm in the kitchen! Do you want a sandwich?" Or,"Hey, yeah I'm back here with a chainsaw. Come on down."
"You remind me of my Chinese friend...Ug Lee."
"Light travels faster then sound. This is why some people appear bright ,until you hear them talk."
"The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.""I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak."
"Better late then never, but never late is better."
"I wish real life was like cartoons. I could wear the same outfit and nobody would care."
"I haven't seen any statuses about Ninjas lately....well played Ninjas."